In last week’s post I talked about steps to achieving goals. In my journey towards goal setting and actually getting into real action, I discovered there are habits and behaviours that had been hindering me from success. Bit by bit I’ve been chipping away at these blocks that had become a part of my subconscious. In my experience, whether you are setting goals for yourself or taking action to achieve these goals. Eliminating these road-blocks is crucial.
1. Procrastination
Sounds familiar? Everyone procrastinates, that’s true. But, when it becomes a habit that you are not able to get rid of, you know you are in trouble. I had become really bad at it. I remember times, when I knew the importance and urgency of the task at hand, and I would still not move a muscle. It was as if I was paralysed. I would leave so many things to the last minute that it would become impossible to get it done in time or get it done with the quality that was needed. Long and short of it is, that this chronic procrastination made me dread the moment I had to make plans or set any kind of goals. I knew from experience that I won’t be successful, so why bother?
2. Fear of failure
Fear of failure or anxiety is a symptom of something deeper. It translates into a behaviour of feeling anxious or afraid. In my case, It’s like the chicken and egg story. I didn’t know if it was my absolutely terrifying fear of failure that was feeding my procrastination or it’s the other way around. The truth is, I was in a constant state of fear. I’d get a feeling that something terrible is about to happen and I could not make a move to get started with what was on my plate. I would think about the consequences and be petrified of the ultimate sense of doom. The result was, I rarely set goals and if I did, I couldn’t do anything to chase them. The aftermath was an overwhelming amount of to be done projects and commitments, unsurmountable level of stress and a sense of being a failure.
3. Negative self-talk
A continuous experience of unfinished or broken commitments and anxiety over a number of years led me to have an extremely self-critical behaviour. I blamed myself for everything and criticized every action and lack thereof. This routine made matters even worse. I was drowning deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole. On top of that, I was struggling with emotional stress due to strained relationship with some of my family. The feeling of loneliness and almost non-existent emotional support made matters worse. I would blame myself for everything that wasn’t right in my life. I started questioning my each step and behaviour. Each interaction, my intentions, to the extent that I questioned the kind of person I was who was doomed to be alone.
4. Perfectionism
In psychology, perfectionism is defined as a personality style that strives for flawlessness and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding other’s evaluations. Due to this habit, you may tend to set unattainable or too idealistic goals and this behaviour may lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem. It may not be chronic perfectionism that psychologists talk about, it can be the habit if needing all the information before getting started on a project, paying attention to every small little detail without realising the approaching deadline. It can also be not speaking up thinking you don’t know everything.
How to overcome it?
Recognise and accept
First of all I accepted that there are habits, behaviours that are affecting my life and that there’s a pattern. I noticed there were triggers that would instigate a certain behaviour from me. I also realised that I had to do something about it. So, I did what I do, I read and researched, causes, symptoms and effects of these stumbling blocks or behaviours and looked for ways I could help address these issues.
Find the root cause
Its imperative to discover the root cause that’s triggering these behaviours in the first place. For example – My procrastination in the beginning was connected with my usual tendency of waiting for the urgency to kick in before seriously studying or working on something. This was a habit that did not affect me initially as I was always able to finish my work before deadline, no matter when I started. As I reached my thirties that habit was faltering and I started to notice little delays and then missing deadlines. This experience combined with other stress in life resulted in a deep rooted fear of failure. As a result I reached a phase where, I couldn’t even start anything because my self-confidence was chipping away and I started believing I couldn’t do anything. Finding the reasons, is the first step in determining what to do about it.
Ask for help
Unlike procrastination, my fear of failure was much deep rooted. In your lifetime, you come across various experiences and that shape you into the person you become. I had a number of experiences that affected me in a negative way. A sense of loneliness since childhood, disappointment in a relationship or accumulating stress due to unsupportive environment around me. There came a point when I was on the verge of breakdown.
I’m glad that I reached out for help. Getting professional counselling was one of the first steps to bring me into a positive state of mind. When you are at the lowest point of self-worth, I can’t emphasise the importance of the moment when you can speak to someone. A person who listens without judgement, without the objective of responding. This is the moment you start to trust yourself again. That’s what happened with me. The other thing that always helps me is reading. 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson was the game changer here.
Identify the next steps and get the ball rolling
Once you start to believe in yourself is when you can think straight again. You can feel the conviction to do something about the mess. You feel empowered to think, to do and to accomplish again. When I felt this way, I started thinking about my goals and what I wanted to achieve. You can read my post for the steps that worked for me in setting goals.
Take small steps
This term has become a cliché. That shouldn’t be the reason to discount the importance of the term though. I can share a funny example from when I was a kid. In my school playground there were a couple of slides. I’d see bigger kids just slide down standing. I wanted to do the same but was terrified. I told myself to start at the step. Gradually I would climb two steps and slide down standing. In no time I was able to do it from the very top. It’s as simple as that. Whatever goal you set for yourself, it may seem overwhelming, but if just commit to go on with one tiny step, there’s one thing is guaranteed. You will make progress.
This my experience about what stops many of us from achieving goals and what you can do about it. Hope you are able to take something of value from it.
Until next week. Ciao!
