Disclaimer: Since I’m talking about relationships and I’m a big fan of TV series F.R.I.E.N.D.S. you will see a lot of mentions from it.
It’s February, the season of Valentine’s day. The time of moonlit walks, candlelit dinners and dreamy romances. Are you planning a surprise for your partner or waiting for one yourself? Contemplating what gift to get for the love of your life or ruminating about the romantic evening already planned for you. Over the years, on Valentine’s day, I’ve been on romantic dates, spent the day watching a chick flick. More often than not it just went by without me realising anything special about the day. Nevertheless, I have been happy no matter how I spent the day. (Well most of the times ;))
Valentine’s day or not, one thing I’ve never stopped musing over is “relationships”. I’ve always been curious about relationships in general. Whether we talk about romantic ones, friendships, bond between siblings, equation with parents or the ones you build at work. What makes these relationships make or break? Why some work and some don’t?
Anthropologically speaking, (Picture Ross from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.) Man (read mankind) is a social animal. Humans crave for social connection. Forming groups and tribes has been the key factor in our evolution and the foundation of our current civilisation. From the time we started hunting and gathering we needed support of our tribe and divided tasks to conquer the main objective – kill that boar. Consequently, as our hierarchy of needs has evolved, so has our demands from these relationships. Today, we seek a partner not just to procreate, but to understand us, be with us in times of difficulty, make us feel better if we are down and the list goes on. We need our friends to listen to us, be there for us rather than just passing the spear to hunt.
Relationship word is complex from the get go. A parent starts a bond with their child way before he/she is conceived. The thought of having a baby is the origin of a relationship. From that moment on we form and end many relationships in our lives and maybe even beyond that. What we expect from a relationship varies from person to person and get blurrier, the deeper we get into these. Is there a science to it or is it art? Should we look for a logic or give up figuring things out? What works with one person, will it work with others? Who is the expert? Should I rely on Dr. X on radio when looking for advice?
These questions have been floating for ages and there not one right answer. In one scenario, Dr. X might have the answer for you in another they might not. Maybe one way to make some sense from all this is to explore within and seek what do “I” look for in any relationship? There are some important relationships in our lives and some we don’t care for much. This is a lengthy and complex subject and I don’t intend to dig into each and every aspect of it. The question is for those relationships, that are dear to us and we would like to keep them healthy, how do we do that? Here are my learnings from life, the important factors in any relationship to call it a healthy relationship.
Respect
In my opinion, this is the foundation of any relationship. If there’s no respect for each other, it’s very unlikely it’ll survive. When it does survive (it happens, no matter how much we’d like to believe that it doesn’t), it isn’t a healthy one. Whether its husband – wife, father – son, siblings or friends. (Even pets :)) The one thing we seek from each other is respect. Respect for the human being, for the person he or she is, for what journey they have been through and the path they are on. Unless we keep our minds and hearts open to have that respect for the person, all the other steps will be futile.
Are there ways, actions or words through which you disrespect anyone important in your life? Intentionally or unintentionally, do you sometimes, say things that might hurt the person in front of you? Whether you mean to or not, if there’s a way you can be mindful about keeping the feelings of the other person in mind do it.
Open communication
If respect is the foundation, communication is the backbone of any relationship. Personal or professional, I’ve seen relationships go sour due to lack of proper communication. A colleague sent an email in a hurry and didn’t think about the language. Son said something that the Father didn’t like or vice versa and there’s a cold war. No one is talking! Evidently, expressing our emotions in a healthy and respectful way could solve many of these issues that become bigger than anyone anticipates. There’s a risk that if you speak up, it might turn into an unpleasant argument. On the other hand, not saying anything will forever hide your feelings and all communication will cease, the relationship will end and none will be wiser. As long as both sides are respectful and willing to solve the issue, communication can take you on the other side.
Often we are good at communicating when something is not right but not when everything is going well. They say “Sometimes no news is good news.” Well not always according to me. 🙂 Do you communicate to your parents or your children that you love them or miss them? I’m not saying you have to be mushy mushy always. The point is, do you have open lines of communication? Do you reach out? How many months or years has it been that you called your school friend? Did you check in on your sister, how she is doing in the new place? In the daily grind when all else is priority, we forget to check in until it’s too late. If I get the feeling that I’m the only one reaching out, I’m bound to give up at some point.
Listen
This seems like the most passive activity you can imagine. Presumably, the easiest task. You don’t even have to move a muscle. I’ve seen plenty of people claim they are listening, while their eyes are on TV or these days on their palms. In reality, to listen to someone, you need to pay attention using all the 5 senses. You need to look at the person (Don’t read stare), have appropriate body language and be open to feel what the other person talking about. Sounds difficult? Well it is only difficult of you are not interested in what the other person is talking about. If you are watching a game or a movie you like, your entire attention is focused on that, it’s that simple.
If there’s a genuine reason, and you can’t pay attention to the other person. For e.g. It can be challenging when you are on a conference call and your daughter is asking for your attention. You can still be respectful and honest and tell them you are busy with something and you will talk when you can actually listen. Your wife is talking about how rough her day was and your mind is somewhere else. I can tell you with experience, if this goes on multiple times, it will boil into an argument. Think about the ways you can be more intentional and listen to understand.
Be interested in their lives
We all have that one friend who’s always talking about their lives, their opinions and their ideas, without realising that you haven’t spoken a word for over an hour. (Picture Monica and Phoebe’s friend with fake British accent) Jokes asides. Would you like to be in a relationship when it’s always all about them? What they like, what they prefer, how much time they have and what their priorities are. More often than not, you’d bow out.
Are you sometimes that friend or sister? Are you always just keen to share what amazing life you have, how amazing your husband, wife or kids are and forget to ask how your friend is doing? Do you show interest in the topics they would like to talk about or the hobbies they are interested in? When was the last time you called your mom just to know what’s going on in their lives? Do you call your sister or brother just to wish birthdays and anniversaries? Can you do more?
Give them room to be themselves
We all wear different masks for different occasions besides Halloween. But the times we enjoy the most are undoubtedly when we can be ourselves. When you don’t have to worry about what would your friend or partner think if you dressed a certain way. When you don’t have to pretend and hide who you are. In most important relationships, this is one of the bare minimum requirement to call it a healthy relationship. If I have to always look out for judgemental eyes, I can never breathe. I believe people are different and everyone has a right to live as they choose to as long as they are not hurting anyone.
So if the person is important to you and you’d like to keep that relationship going. Next time they share something that you might not agree with, don’t roll your eyes or purse your lips. Instead, ask them to share more. You might be surprised and end up liking it.
Be there for them
Whether we like it or not, all relationships are give and take. We all expect something in return in every relationship. Whether it’s love, care, emotional, physical or financial support. A validation or sense of belonging or a companionship. We are all looking for something and there’s nothing wrong in it.
Francesc Miralles and Hector Garcia in their research for IKIGAI, discovered that most people who live long life have healthy social relationships. So, for any relationship to work, or just to be human I’d argue 🙂 Be there for them when they need you. Sometimes all they are looking for is that you listen to them, stand by them. The faith that someone is there who understands can be the rock that keeps all the dangers out. Have you thought about being their for them? (picture Monica talking to Joey) 🙂
Trust
This is a no brainer. For any relationship to qualify as a healthy one. There has to be trust. You need to believe they have your back. One moment you share your fears or insecurities, the next moment they are not turning around and ridiculing you behind your back. Won’t we all love our big brother or sister who takes blame for the broken window for you. The kid brother who’s not a tattle tale when you sneak in late in the evening. It’s painful to see there are children who couldn’t trust their parents. How do you build that trust? It takes time and can break in an instant. If you are sincere and follow the points above that’s the path to build the credibility. If you have someone in life that you can trust completely, you are lucky.
Final thoughts
I realise that after beginning on a dreamy note of Valentine’s day, the topic became a bit earnest. For some reason, I feel very strongly about relationships and felt like sharing my views about it. Hope you like it and it doesn’t take away from the mood of romance and love in the air.
Wish you all a very Happy valentine’s day! May St. Valentine shine on your lives and make your relationships tight knit and sparkly.
I promise to write about something on the lighter side next week.
Until then, ciao!
